If I'm to Blame Read online



  If I’m to Blame

  By Jason Wallace

  ******

  Published by:

  If I’m to Blame

  Copyright © 2015 by Jason Wallace

  If I’m to blame,

  Do I take that fall?

  If crying is the crime,

  What do you have to say?

  Do you now

  Have it all?

  Time and time again,

  I’ve had to be the one

  That’s had to walk away.

  But no hurt in a while

  Has made me break back down.

  I’m used to it and can even smile

  When you only wanna drag me into your Hell.

  If I’m to blame,

  What do I say?

  Where do I stay to

  Stay away?

  If I felt a bit of what you admit

  You want me to feel,

  I could not be

  Who I am, who you’ve made me,

  And I would rather die inside all over again.

  I will not submit, but I will not quit.

  This one last appeal is to calm your heart,

  Your bitterness a bit and still

  Have some shot at all the naught

  That this is coming to, that you’ve unglued, to finally end.

  Where is it that you’ve

  Taken yourself away to like so often before

  When I could only hold my head in my hands

  And breathe heavily to not ignore but simply implore

  Some better judgment of myself, to not break out,

  To do my best to deny the rest of all of this emptiness

  And maybe, just maybe, understand.

  If I’m to blame,

  I take the shame.

  I take the cold, staring circumstance.

  I don’t know who you are

  Or what you want or when I wasn’t some

  Wasted days, some yesterdays that

  Should’ve been but have gone and come and gone again.

  Are you at all like me,

  Sitting in a car, in make believe,

  Wondering why the worst of it never leaves

  And why it is that you can’t find relief

  From a life you never intended to pretend to need?

  When it was all hanging on a rope,

  I found a part of you and found some hope,

  But I hoped too hard, and it came apart,

  And I never left, but I could never be

  The mat you asked to lay on the ground to wipe your feet.

  I might have a persevering heart, but it’s still a heart that bleeds.

  I’m in agony. I’ve been deceived, but

  If I’m to blame,

  I take it all for no less but maybe more.

  I take it all the same,

  If I’m to blame.

  Though I was right, and you were wrong,

  I… waved goodbye because I…

  Walked in on

  A time when you were

  Already gone, giving up, and

  No longer strong,

  Taking back all

  That tore you up and

  Tearing up all the

  Paper strings of a

  Not enough kind of

  Do it rough sort of

  Life you

  Could not love,

  So we never were and

  Never truly could be

  What you want, so you

  Put me down

  Because you

  Put me up

  Too high in the sky on a

  Pedestal that no one could

  Stand on in the rain that you

  Poured out of your

  Bitter cup.

  I’m bruised enough to

  Be no more used too much,

  And… if I’m to blame,

  Do you remember who I am?

  Do you remember my name?

  I guess I’m to blame.

  If I am, If I’m to blame,

  I’ll push it away again and

  Into the holes in my veins

  Where my blood has spilled to nearly kill me

  Once and for all, for all of the same,

  Because I’m the one to blame, I guess

  I’m the one to blame, so,

  If I’m to blame,

  So be it as it may, because

  If I’m to blame,

  It no longer matters what I say.

  To meet file size requirements, I have added additional works.

  Again Alone

  I have nowhere to go

  No place to be

  The only home that I know

  Is an empty place

  Of Misery

 

  The one that I lost

  Was the best one for me

  I let her leave

  Because of my jealousy

 

  I just could not compete

  If that was reality

  Why would she want me

  If she could have

  Someone who wouldn't

  Melt from the heat

 

  So alone

  I'm turning to stone

  The blood in my veins

  Just spilled on the ground

  And no one's around

  But pain I caused

  For us both

  It's a demon whose face

  Has already shown

 

  I thought being grown

  Meant making mistakes

  But taking the blame

  And erasing the pain

  And when that seed's sown

  Knowing that all that's known

  Is a lesson to learn

  About how not to be

  And what from yourself

  Never again to condone

 

  But a lesson that's learned

  Can come with a loss

  The prize you hold onto

  Slips out of your hands because the cost

  Is more than you feel you can pay

  But at the end of the day

  The regret you let creep in your way

  Is that you've let someone else become burned

 

  So alone

  I'm turning to stone

  The blood in my veins

  Just spilled on the ground

  And no one's around

  But pain I caused

  For us both

  It's a demon whose face

  Has already shown

  On the road to the unknown

 

  This scar I'll have on my hand

  Isn't half as hard as the one I'm bearing inside

  From messing up the greatest thing

  I ever tried

  What maybe just could've been

  Is going to be a thought that

  Comes with the memory

  Of the way this all had to end

  And the lie that I will pretend

  Doesn't get me down

  And make me drown in my sin

 

  So alone, more broken and frozen,

  I'm turning to stone

  The blood in my veins

  Just spilled on the ground

  Spots and drops of red

  Staining as it surrounds

  And no one's around

  But pain I caused

  For us both

  It's a demon whose face

  Has already shown

 

  And I know I'm at fault

  For being again alone

  I can't get how

  What was maybe almost love

  Was at best just a loan

  Recalled and repossessed and cutting

/>   Straight to the bone

  And when both wounds heal

  I won't have her hand to hold

  Because I am again alone

  Lost It All

  I know that you've been waitin

  Hopin for someone to come

  Sweep you off your feet

  Dreaming of the day

  When you could finally

  Start to feel some kind of complete

  All the ones that came along

  Did everything all wrong

  Treated you like 

  You were never anything

  To take seriously

  If you give me the chance

  I'll be more than just some circumstance

  And try to give you just what you need

  I could be the one to cherish you

  To always let you know I'm there for you

  To be the rock to hold you up

  When you feel like you'll fall

  If you're not afraid you'll fail

  You might find Heaven in your Hell

  In these arms that'd carry you

  If you think you've lost it all

  I'm not tryin to make you think

  I'm movin fast

  Just to help you make a future

  That lets you forget your past

  Knowing that the worst parts

  Of your life are gone

  If you let me be the one to hold you

  It could be just like I told you

  A fairytale come to life before too long

  I could be the one to cherish you

  To always let you know I'm there for you

  To be the rock to hold you up

  When you feel like you'll fall

  If you're not afraid you'll fail

  You might find Heaven in your Hell

  In these arms that'd carry you

  If you think you've lost it all

  If you get yourself down

  And start to thinkin

  That there are no good guys around

  Maybe you should

  Look to me then

  Maybe I'm not the kinda guy

  You're used to

  The ones that used you

  Maybe with me, you'd never wonder why

  I didn't abuse you

  And you'll not need new

  Ones to let throw you around

  Never let you be you

  It could be that my mama raised me better

  To at least try to respect a woman

  And never let her

  Have to feel I'm some unreal

  Loser that can't keep it together

  I could be the one to cherish you

  To always let you know I'm there for you

  To be the rock to hold you up

  When you feel like you'll fall

  If you're not afraid you'll fail

  You might find Heaven in your Hell

  In these arms that'd carry you

  If you think you've lost it all

  Or at least lost a lot

  Lost so much that everything is not

  Anything like you needed

  If it's me that makes it seem more 

  Than just a little, maybe that's

  Just the middle

  And if you believe in me

  You'll see, in the end,

  That I really treated

  You the way a real woman like you

  Needs to be treated

  Not Wanting You, I Just Cannot Pretend

  Forgive me

  For ever caring

  But there is no one else

  So good

  Comparing

  Anything they are to you

  You are so perfect it scares me

  You make me breathe just barely

  And now you're leavin

  Treatin me unfairly

  I thought we knew

  That sometimes forever just can't be forever

  When two people can't be together

  Without tellin each other the truth

   

  You hoped that you found real love

  So you could really feel loved

  But I was holdin back my fears

  And lyin, sayin I shed no tears for you

  So, now I can only ask

  Why did we get caught up

  In somethin so good it could not be thought of

  And then let it slip away so fast

   

  You want to still be friends

  But I don't think I can take it

  My heart, I didn't tell you yet is breakin

  So everything with you must end

  I only wanted your friendship

  No matter how much you meant, and

  You took it beyond, so shocking

  But then we almost altogether just stopped talking

  Not wanting you, I just cannot pretend

   

  Maybe after we give some time

  It might be alright to find

  Each other once more and begin

  Back where we started

  Forgetting that we parted

  Back when I liked you as more than a friend

  But I couldn't speak it

  You left me so very weak, it

  Felt like I stretched the truth 

  So much, it bent

  Love crept in

  But it only lasted

  So little and went so fast, it

  Got used up and spent

   

  You want to still be friends

  But I don't think I can take it

  My heart, I didn't tell you yet is breakin

  So everything with you must end

  I only wanted your friendship

  No matter how much you meant, and

  You took it beyond, so shocking

  But then we almost altogether just stopped talking

  Not wanting you, I just cannot pretend

   

  Every second since then

  Feels like a brand new sentence

  Sentencing me to a life of bein lonely without you

  I don't think that I can serve it

  But maybe I deserve it

  What did I do

  If I wasn't perfect

  I'm sorry I didn't make it worth it

  And you're probably better off

  Now that we're through

  But if I dream

  I hope that it will seem

  Like the reality I thought I had with you

   

  You want to still be friends

  But I don't think I can take it

  My heart, I didn't tell you yet is breakin

  So everything with you must end

  I only wanted your friendship

  No matter how much you meant, and

  You took it beyond, so shocking

  But then we almost altogether just stopped talking

  Not wanting you, I just cannot pretend

   

  If you ever pass by me

  Please do not deny me

  The chance to finally try to be your friend

  But I can only be hoping

  That I'm finally coping

  And that not wanting you, I can pretend

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